Most of those seeking guidance from me have this dilemma: what about when we want different things?
My fundamental perspective is this: we are different in our sexual expressions. Our bodies have different ways of understanding and feeling pleasure – and here I include sexual pleasure also. For this reason, it’s not in the least bit in our interest to expect or demand that everyone be similar in sex & intimacy.
Had we all been alike, we would either get quickly bored with sex, we would not have had the opportunity to understand new aspects of our body and our way of being in intimacy. Sex would probably be a dull thing for us.
The different ways we understand pleasure
As much as I have studied sexual development so far, through courses, books, and discussions with teachers or colleagues from my training, I have identified an instrument called erotic blueprints.
This tool is built by another Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Jayia Ma (this is a name given to her in her Tantric initiation). Based on the work of Jack Morin, a relationship therapist who, in his book The Erotic Mind (1996), introduced the erotic pillars, Jayia identified five different ways in which human bodies express sexuality. Each of us has a little bit of everything.
The Energetic is the one whose sexuality is strongly linked to emotions. People with this dominant blueprint tend to be lonely compared to others. They tend to wait for a person they have a secure connection with, rather than indulge in casual sex encounters. A wide range of emotions can trigger an Energetic’s arousal, and at the opposite pole, a partner disconnected from their own feelings or a partner who neglects the emotional aspects of the relationship can cut off their sexual desire. Energetic wired people prefer a slow & mindful sexual expression, with approaches that are full of appreciation and honor (without being arrogant or obnoxious). They are short-circuited by overly direct, abrupt, physical manipulation, or touches without previously being announced or agreed upon. Some Energetics can express orgasms in at the sound of their lover’s words, from soft touches or hands hovering above the skin, sometimes even by thinking about their partners.
The Sensual is the blueprint who indulges in the five senses. It is equally pleasing to them to offer pleasure (through any touch or physical pampering) as well as to receive pleasure from their partners.
They need harmonious spaces. They like ordered, arranged, and even beautifully decorated rooms. Any unpleasant odors cut off any sexual desire they may have in the moment. Also, if there are any sounds in their environment that they personally do not like -and preferences are very subjective- then a Sensually dominant blueprint will quickly get distracted and taken away from their pleasurable experience. The tactile aspect is also crucial: if something does not feel pleasant to the touch – the surface they stand on, the objects they are touching, the clothes they are wearing or their partners – it is as easy to get out of the mood as in the case of hearing unpleasant sounds or sensing heavy smells. Last but not least, the taste sensation is perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of a Sensual’s experience: thy are picky with foods, drinks, and, not to avoid the obvious, the taste of body fluids can be very challenging for anyone with this dominant blueprint.
The Kinky is a very creative and unusual erotic typology. Each of us has a little bit of kinkiness in them, for sure. But for those of us ranging high or being dominant in this blueprint, spontaneity, creativity, and the unusual are essential elements in sex. Curiosity and imagination are their primary character traits, so if someone has a partner with a high Kinky in their wiring, then they would need to cultivate these traits in their turn. Otherwise, a Kinky might not stay in a relationship where they are bored. The prejudices, stigma, or shame that come from society towards these expressions inhibit Kinky lovers significantly.
The Sexual is an almost stereotypical blueprint. It is usually expected from men, due to the image given by the pornographic industry, to be Sexuals. This blueprint, when expressed authentically, can be the most spontaneous and adventurous of all. Sexuals can go from zero to orgasm in a few seconds sometimes. That is why, as a positive aspect, Sexuals are suitable partners in critical situations (time pressure, risk of getting caught, etc.) Extended foreplay can cut their mood or arousal. These people are fast and focused exclusively on the very mechanical aspects: arousal, penetration, and orgasm. Some of their shortcomings, they’re not very careful, neither too empathetic with their lovers. Also, their sexual skills tend to be less complex compared to other dominant blueprints.
The fifth blueprint, the Shape Shifter, shows a partner who wants to please – a sexual chameleon. From the getgo, the major risk is their tendency to please at the cost of their pleasure, wishes, or needs. As a positive aspect, however, this blueprint is sophisticated (usually after years of self-exploration and learning) and can offer a varied palette of experiences to their partner. In their turn, they have very complex needs, so they can often end-up cheating on their partners. Also, they run the risk of facing the most significant challenge with sexual shadow: they can deal with all blueprint’s negative aspects at the same time, which can be overwhelming. They tend to judge themselves for wanting so much, compared to their partners, or they tend to avoid complicating themselves to say what they really want. As such, they prefer to seek elsewhere for what they need.
An essential aspect of the blueprints.
Each of us expresses a bit of every blueprint. There is not one person who does not have any characteristics of either of these blueprints. Whether we choose to act out all traits, whether we have certain biases with one of these blueprints, we surely have a part of each blueprint in our bodies. In different proportions. Our uniqueness here comes from the way these erotic languages are combined and expressed in our sex life.
Most people have one or two dominant blueprints. In other words, one or two channels of sexual expression are more used. Those of us who are born with all these channels equally expressed are very rare. Therefore, difficulties or incompatibility in sexual intimacy (when they occur) can be explained at the body level either by different dominant blueprint or by significant proportions in which the same blueprints are expressed in each person in the relationship.
If we aren’t very educated sexually, or at least openminded, we tend to see the common problem in relationships: the dominant partner reproaches to the other they’re not normal or not good at sex. That’s how the “fertile” ground for argument, friction (figuratively speaking), quarreling, dissatisfaction, tension, or cheating is built.
If we want emotional fulfillment and physical satisfaction in sex, we need to understand the differences in our sexual wiring and to be willing to find common ground and understand one another in sex. And we are better off leading by example, so trying to get our partners before expecting them to understand us.
On the other hand, the availability too high (exaggerated) to offer our lovers what they want comes mostly at the cost of our expression and our wants and needs. We sabotage ourselves in an alarming way when we continuously place our lover ahead of us. This is counterintuitive, but we need to be satisfied to satisfy our lovers too.
Over time, our body may stop responding to stimuli if it has had too much of what it did not want or actually liked. Women without intense physical experiences in sex have arrived at that stage because they have had few satisfying sexual experiences. That’s because they didn’t dare ask, didn’t know how to ask, didn’t know how to receive, or their requests weren’t listened to.
Equally important, I think, is the following: the more different the partners in a relationship, the higher the need for erotic intelligence and understanding from both. To function well together, there is obviously a need for much higher effort in sex when the partners are wired differently. It’s a considerable effort to calibrate yourself with someone different from you, but this can never be done if only one of the partners makes efforts. Unfortunately, the body cannot take extreme long-term efforts. This is not how it works well in sexual pleasure and expression.
If you are a comfortable or lazy person, if you have a too fixed mindset (not just in sex), then it might be a good idea to take a partner with similar wiring to yours. If you are not really interested in putting in efforts for your sex life, then it might be a more efficient approach to seek a person with whom you share expressive similarities. Thus you won’t need to put in so many efforts to enjoy your sex life.
Also, remember that in the sexDOJO for women, I offer support and hold space. Women work on their pleasure, do practices, and take care of their sexual wiring. Together with me, women build and embody their vision for their sex lives.