It is already very known that challenging times show ourselves as we truly are. During times of relationship crisis, we see how we are as partners. Including as lovers. Regardless of what we like right now about our sexual and erotic expression, here is my perspective for a healthy erotic mindset
1. The Foundational Definition.
Everything we do is built on a definition. Before our beliefs, we have a foundational definition. Or more.
This is the design of our entire constitution. In our sex life, whether conscious or not, we have a foundational definition.
I will give you a few examples. Keep mind they’re neither good nor bad, but merely for explanation purposes):
”Sex is present.”
”Sex isn’t the most important to me.”
“Sex is mandatory!”
We can only have so many definitions. Each one illustrated above will lead to different sets of beliefs, and subsequently, different types of dominant experiences. Yes, everyone can have exceptions in their lives, but the rule is the one that hints to the foundation.
2. The Rescue Mindset.
No matter what our foundational definition is, a crisis will strike us all – its part of life’s way.
When we hit a crisis, our definition will still dictate our pattern.
In case our definition is sexually positive and supportive, then the next step in our experience is: how do we make a first step toward exiting a crisis?
That’s when our rescue mindset comes in. Whatever we see as an emergency or rescue action, seeded in our mindset, that is the first thing we’ll do most times.
Here are a few examples (again, they are neither good nor bad):
”Get to bed and do it.”
”Call your friend with benefits.”
”Make the most appealing thing for your lover so that they’ll get to it with you.”
”Open an app or a platform and watch an inspirational material.”
3. The Relationship to Practices.
Since everything we do needs recurrence, food, sleep, breath, water, cleansing, working out, etc., so does our sexual expression.
„Practice” is a very pompous word for explaining the need to tend to our cyclical sex impulses too. Or for calling out our habits – whether the ones we’re conscious of or not.
So, when both your foundational definition and your rescue mindset are supportive, then recurring practices come way easier to sustain in the long run. This is the grind that athletes speak of. This is the daily reality we live through, which we build ourselves, our dreams, and our lives.
The main thing to realize here: if we don’t consciously tend to them, they’ll have the best of us when we least expect it. I’m referring to troublesome attractions to unavailable people. Or we find ourselves turned on in a context we really should focus on something else. So our impulses get in our way or hinder us from focusing on something essential or healthy.
Practices, as much as they sound imposed (a.k.a.: some equate this with the opposite of spontaneous & alive), make sure we don’t go astray and don’t fall prey to our otherwise purposeless sexual nature.
I’m not saying don’t be spontaneous or wild at all. I’m saying, however, to make sure the foundation is one you take care of regularly. Otherwise, you stand a huge chance to experience unsatisfying interactions. Or have sex from an inner place of desperation or dependence. Likewise, you may feel a lack of fulfillment or the frustration that sex can’t get better. Or you might have doubts about your partner being your best match.
Caveat here: no lover is without flaws; the perfect lover doesn’t exist. We may have beautiful first impressions sometimes, but the whole truth tends to be revealed in the long run.
4. Faith & Patience.
When you fall down, hit a plateau, or reach a seemingly dead-end, everything I’ve spoken about before (definition, mindset, and practices) will help you get back on track.
But, as with anything in nature, it takes time to get out of crises. Your organism takes time to get back on track, to fully express once more, or to learn something new.
And it goes through stages: rock bottom/crisis, first step, setbacks, flows, other setbacks, and then powerful flows.
In the long run, patience and faith are crucial factors. If we want fulfilling sex lives, these two need to be seeded in your mentality.
It’s the ingredient that keeps you persistent and perseverant. It’s the element that doesn’t allow you to quit at first sight of trouble.
As much as you might think you need others for this, the truth is everyone faces their own challenges and, if they’re going to make it, they make it because they are secure within.
Yes, others can surely walk alongside you, but they can’t have faith in your place – not for your entire life anyway.
If you want a vision for your entire sex life, not just a relationship, not just an encounter, then you need faith & patience in the mix.
In the sexDOJO™ for women, I offer support and hold space. Women work on their pleasure, do practices, and take care of their sexual wiring. Together with me, women build and embody their vision for their sex life.