This is the number one troublemaker in sex: you have something… err… not-so-great to say, but you shove it because you don’t want the aftermath. Sadly, the aftermath comes either way.

No, your partner isn’t going offended if you keep it to yourself. They don’t know there is something to be offended by. But the air of trouble creeps in nonetheless.

You might start to show disappointment, disinterest, lack of satisfaction, or, even worse, you’ll begin avoiding sex with them.

Or, perhaps, they’ll gradually be on their toes around you. They’ll feel something’s up, even if they won’t be able to put their finger on it.

Let me reassure you: the atmosphere isn’t sexy, regardless if you say it or not.

And it doesn’t have to be a super bad atmosphere. It can be slightly bizarre or off. And it’s messed up anyway. Why have an intimate relationship with someone if you can’t work things out?

Avoiding uncomfortable talk is the surest way to mess up your relationship in the long run. And let me say it like it is: most of us mess up with this.

Why talks go sour in the first place

It’s a combination of one partner blaming the other, while the other gets angry at how they’re being addressed. Did you get that? Let me break it down into two parts.

1. It’s a matter of perspective

The unsatisfied partner isn’t able to phrase their issue in a solution-driven manner. They say things that can easily imply their lovers they suck at sex.

They don’t have a habit of working on their intimacy issues – how many of us do, really?

And they omit a fact: just because they don’t like what their partner does, doesn’t make their partners universally lousy at it.

These are two different things: what one thinks of their lover and what others think of them.

And let me assure you of something: the second we heard a stranger making a comment about how good in bed our lover was, we’d instantly feel the pangs of jealousy and next time we’d have sex we’d guide our lovers like an artist teaching their apprentice.

But, without such an incentive, few of us would think we are the true leaders for getting what we want and need in sex.

2. It’s a matter of uttering the right thing

Most people think if there is a problem, we need to address it head-on.

That might be the case sometimes, but with very delicate issues it’s more strategic to take a different approach.

Instead of focusing on what a problem is and speaking only about that -the surest way to blow a bomb in your relationship!-, we’d be so much better off focusing on what we love, what turns us on, on how we could point these things out.

And a counter-intuitive thing here: the masters of this don’t even have to speak, they solve it through their physical presence: movement, gestures, sounds, etc.

Please notice how I wrote above: a matter of uttering. Back in the ’70s (long before I was born), George Lucas was telling Mark Hamill (the actor who played Luke Skywalker): ”When Darth Vader enters, we play the music and people will know he’s the bad guy.”

And he was right: we don’t always have to say what things are. People know anyway. We’re better off solving these things from an instinctual level.

In this case, uttering is better than talking. Sounds are better friends when giving feedback. You might not even have to have „the talk.”

If you can’t avoid the talk, try this

Sometimes we can’t do without traditional communication. Some people can’t take hints or we are too subtle or too ashamed to go about it at an instinct level.

We all can do this, make no mistake, but sometimes it never occurred to us we do. So, a much clever way to approach the talk is to take the ”How can we do this better next time?” way.

Yes! Feedforward. Dream. Imagine. Create. Play. Build. Learn.

Go the partnership way: you and I are in this for the good or for the excellent. So how can we go from good to great?

That’s when people are motivated to remain in intimate conversations. That’s how you tap into the resourcefulness of people. And that’s how you open up the space for experimentation and exploration.

Who wouldn’t want that type of atmosphere in their sex life?


In the sexDOJO for women, I offer support and hold space. Women work on their pleasure, do practices, and take care of their sexual wiring. Together with me, women build and embody their vision for their sex life.

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