When I get approached for my services, many women come to me with this issue. And many men come to me with this issue about their partners – imagine that.
The orgasmic expression is ground zero in sexuality work. So many people wished it could be addressed head-on, but sadly for them, nobody can skip stages. Indeed not the foundations.
Before orgasm, what is your daily pleasure practice
As unusual as that sounds, the truth is orgasm needs good sexual chemistry and mechanics. And these two need a pleasure foundation. We can’t skip them, as much as we’d wish.
Unless you live in a house with someone that repels you, this is sadly the case for some people, nothing is stopping you but your own discipline or your priorities.
If you want to grow to the next level of your sexual and orgasmic expression, you need to commit to a daily practice. That doesn’t mean daily sex or masturbation. Pleasure is so much more than that.
The point I’m making is, how do you keep your body relaxed and your mind open to pleasure? What you practice most often is what will be imprinted in your expression. Pleasure should be one of your daily practices.
How do you allow your erotic energy to flow through your body?
I’ve mentioned in this article also, our erotic energy is expressed through sound, breath, movement, touch, and focus. Sex really is a complex mind-body practice. If any of these are missing, chances are the quality decreases.
It doesn’t mean its all bad, but the quality decreases directly proportionate to the number of channels missing.
For instance, if you do not have a recurring daily pleasure practice for none of these channels (even if only a three-minute practice), chances are you suppress your erotic energy because it is not allowed to travel through your body.
A body out of pleasure is a closed body. A body used to receive pleasure is a sexually open body.
How do you express vocally?
Part of the erotic expression is through sounds & words. If we figuratively muzzle ourselves, it’s not going to help our expression.
I’m certainly not saying push out sounds that we don’t naturally need to make – that’s faking it, and our lover will feel it.
A special caveat for ladies: men aren’t gullible. They’ll know when you fake a sound.
Uttering sounds is a vital ingredient in our orgasmic expression. And, yes, it can be practiced too.
What’s the point of vocal practice? I call this working on our erotic voice.
We remove the shame around vocal expression so that we dare to express ourselves in sex. Even if we don’t make sounds all the time, we’ll have taken the embarrassment away. Shame and embarrassment make up why we turn to silent mode when having sex.
How do you breathe?
Sadly, most of us don’t have such a good relationship to our breath – at least those who do not do any physical activities that require us to use the breath in a sustained manner.
Breath is a primary tool to not only circulate erotic energy through our body but also to charge or discharge ourselves – according to various types of breathing.
Last but not least, breath changes our internal states. Yes, breathwork is known to bring many benefits, aside from more oxygen in our lungs, brains, and blood. It can help us release pain, tension, emotional suffering sometimes.
But it certainly needs training. Our bodies need to be used to carrying more oxygen – without fainting. Yes, of all practices, this is an important one.
The physical mix
When we engage in sex, all these separate things I’ve presented here happen all at once. It’s an overdrive in sensations, emotions, and internal states. A body that is better trained will be able to carry more intensity, more energy, and more arousal.
This is what orgasm is: energy – a great deal of it. And charge – a chemical, physical, and emotional charge.
We need to understand its workings so that we can sustain it and, therefore, express it.
Your orgasmic expression is in your power. Through working with your body. In time.
The final ingredient: presence
Our orgasms express through our physical bodies, this is true. But they mainly reside in our emotional and psychological presence.
Where we are at emotionally and mentally speaking, at any given time, is what our body will express.
Even a trained body can fail to express orgasm – because the emotional or mental state is entirely somewhere else.
This is the most significant work for all of us: our emotional states, our disposition, and our openness to work with ourselves – or take times of reprieve when our entire being needs it.
At the end of the day, we are human, and it is in our best interest to be genuine. We are neither performance actors, nor machines that need a button pressed to give a specific output.
Our orgasm is as good as it can be in any given state, provided that we take care of our expression channels and allow ourselves to be human at the same time.
In the sexDOJO™ for women, I offer support and hold space. Women work on their pleasure, do practices, and take care of their sexual wiring. Together with me, women build and embody their vision for their sex life.