Boredom is perhaps the most misunderstood aspect of intimacy. I say this as there are a few aspects of boredom, let’s call them potential roots, that I want to approach in the following rows.
It’s a natural stage of every evolution.
Every growth cycle reaches this place. Some call it plateau, others stagnation, some others pause – basically, it’s the stage where we have reached a maximum in that growth cycle.
Yes, as with any natural evolution, boredom can be followed with other growth, an oscillation between descent and return to this level, a sharper decline, perhaps even a plummet.
In sex, rest assured nobody walks away from the relationship only because it reached a plateau. Other factors need to happen for a parting to occur. The important thing is to not fear it; otherwise, you cannot find the inner resources (from all in the relationship) to move further.
Sex is not a crucial thing in our lives?
It’s no surprise that sex isn’t viewed as a priority in daily life. It does sell, it does entice, it does make us more vibrant and more expansive, it does make the world go round – this is true. But in our collective, sex isn’t an actual priority – we do not have a socially accepted habit of putting in the time for sexual growth and evolution.
Collectively, we view sex as luxury or whim for those who don’t have to struggle in life or are bored with it.
Truth be told, some of us do not even focus on health as much as they should. So sex would be given even less time. That’s why boredom could kick in much faster for some people.
Essentially, the level at which most long-term relationships relate to sex is: it’s incredible at first, then, after several years in the relationship, if it’s okay, it’ß great. Why fix it?
Sadly, that’s where the first potential trap lies: we open ourselves up for possible friction down the line, or for being tempted to have options on the side.
We can’t expect our sexual instinct to always feel well-fed and satisfied with the same recipe. It’s not possible – though we might choose to not look at this perspective.
If we don’t address our mentality or the perspective on sex, we run the risk to unnecessarily damage our relationships.
How painful can it be to periodically set time set aside to understand something new about sex? More painful than seeing our lovers cheat on us or crave for another?
This is our choice. The toughest one, in fact, is the mentality shift before an actual crisis. Not many of us even conceive of doing this.
If boredom persists, it points to a bigger change needed.
Now let’s say we’ve worked on our mentality, meaning we’ve accepted that sex is an essential binder of our love relationship. We have also begun giving it more attention and energy.
One important thing we need to consider is this: until we shift something big enough in us, external changes are only fillers and can’t produce long-lasting effects.
What I mean is this: we know our lovers instinctually, and we know at this stage if they embody those things or just pushing them. The real challenge is really bringing an internal shift, developing a part of our instincts that we hadn’t before.
How do we do that? As with anything else: challenging experiences, different people, and time. Let me explain a bit more:
By challenging experiences in sex, I mean contexts in which we can learn different things about our sexual expression. They’re not comfortable. They’re not supposed to be.
Learning comes only out of challenge. Comfort and familiarity cannot do that, unfortunately. So, to me, learning contexts are sexuality retreats or sexual growth communities. In essence, you don’t have sex with people there, but you learn different sexuality-related practices that you can apply full on at home. For others – affairs where they actually have sex with people are the only way they can imagine a learning context. Hey, to each his own solution.
Of course, we owe it to ourselves to find the places that best match our level of openness – some people or communities are not so hardcore with their practices, while others are highly experimental – such as Tantric or BDSM communities. Surprisingly, not everyone is a match for these communities. It’s up to each one of us to feel into our level of openness and ability to withstand exposure to people, situations, or new ideas.
By different people, I mean conversing or engaging in various practices that can open new perspectives or cause shifts in their expressions of instincts. I do not mean having sex with different people – though some might only conceive of that. I am saying to have learning experiences through talk, sharing, learning bodywork, and then taking it all home and applying with our lovers.
Let’s say this: if we could have done and learned everything by ourselves, we would have done it already. Most of us, however, don’t know what we don’t know. We need others (guides, friends, lovers, mentors, etc.) to help us see our blind spots.
When I say we need time, I mean our sexual or erotic personality has been shaped in years. We didn’t one day wake up expressing as in our adulthood. Also, we weren’t always able to withstand a certain amount of erotic energy in our bodies. Everything came in time. As such, any expression we want to add to our sexual intimacy is going to take time. Our body and psyche need time to adjust and accommodate the new.
To conclude, in my perspective, sexual boredom is an indicator of something we need to address at a much deeper level. It’s a sign that progress or change is due.
It’s not to be trifled with, thinking that a technique that will erase boredom.
Only an actual transformation in one’s way of thinking and consequently of acting or being in sex is the antidote. So, when faced with sexual boredom, we need patience, perseverance, and time.
In the sexDOJO™ for women, I offer support and hold space. Women work on their pleasure, do practices, and take care of their sexual wiring. Together with me, women build and embody their vision for their sex lives.