If we’re hitting walls in our intimacy, it’s most likely due to different turn-ons, differences in appetite, stressful factors in other areas of our lives.

Today we’re looking at the differences in appetite.

#1. If in your power, balance the intake

If one wants more than the other, it’s almost logical to tackle the obvious: if what you want is more than what your partner has to offer, you need to supplement. The only questions are HOW? And WHERE?

I’m certainly not advocating for getting an extra sex partner without letting the relationship partner know

(a.k.a.: cheating).

That would be synonymous with one paying for health advice from a nutritionist and getting the recommendation to dive into processed candy.

If anyone chooses this supplement for their sexual needs, it is their decision alone. Any consequences on their life are also theirs to deal with.

What I recommend is finding ways to “feed” enough to go on. And then I suggest holding space for your partner amp their spark as well.

If your partner were feeling ill, or away on a trip, what would you do? Is it acceptable or reasonable to have that as a resource for terrible times?

Would you do it without taking it out on them? That’s important.

#2. Release the frustration in constructive ways

There’s one thing that frustrated lovers can’t see in their peak anger or upset moments: telling their partners they should be, do or act in specific ways won’t sexually arouse them at all.

Sadly, it does the very opposite. Think about it: who on Earth would be turned on when they already know they have a problem and you’re shoving it down their throat even more?

Unless your partner is a kinky blueprint with a shaming fetish, then you’re most likely killing your partner’s mood.

What you need to realize, when you’re calm, is that your partner is sexually wired the way you see them in any given moment. Asking them to want more sex would be equal to them asking you to desire less. That’s not going to work – nobody functions like that.

Shaming them for their wiring isn’t going to help, it’s only going to make them shut down and avoid you even more.

If you can’t think of a personalized way to vent out the frustration, I would suggest a very non-sexual way (so that you do not mess up your sexual wiring as well):

Any form of physical anger release such as: running, working out, taking it out on a boxing bag, or any other type of cushion works.

Also, shout it out and take deep breaths. And consider doing that where they can’t see or hear you.

#3. Show & Play

The best way to express your sexual desires is through doing and playing. That’s the peak of any relationship: living the juicy vibes.

That’s the only way I would recommend anyone to go about their sex life: play, show. If the relationship is old, then yeah, it might be more challenging to find the drive to play. But do it anyway.

Here’s the catch with this one: have you thought yourself out of seeing this in your partner? Poor strategy!

What you think of your partner, what you repeat to yourself or even utter, is going to determine how you show up for them.

This is vital! If you want your relationship to work, you’d better look closely at them and genuinely find a sexy trait they have. And hold that as your hard rock foundation.

After that comes the playful part:

Do you dance? Do you touch? How do the two of you get physical?

Do you do any naughty things? A touch in an inappropriate environment?

A fast one when everyone is doing something else?

What is sexually mutual and manageable for both of you?

Take those in slightly more unusual environments – both will have to consider your risk or anxiety resistance here. Don’t go for shocking risks – shy partners may shut down instead of turn on.

#4. Show appreciation. Validate.

This one is vital. You need positive feedback or validation for what you’ve done well. Everyone does!

If you’re stingy on words or have trouble with validating your partner, chances are you are sabotaging your relationship without knowing.

You need to see things go well as much as your partner. So show it. Or say it. Or sound it. Or make sure they somehow know.

We need fuel for our relationship to work. Take out this part, and you may as well stop right there.

Your thoughts and your appreciation are vital. If either is faulty, then seek support.

Last thoughts

As much as I’d like to say everything is hot all the time, I have to say that even the most passionate couples out there come across challenges in sex.

Have people that you can turn to for in-depth understanding, support, or guidance. It helps with motivation as well.


In the sexDOJO for women, I offer support and hold space. Women work on their pleasure, do practices, and take care of their sexual wiring. Together with me, women build and embody their vision for their sex life.

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