I guess one of the most sought after things are the actual practices that one can do to improve in sex. And here, I will have to put two caveats from the beginning:
Caveat 1. The practices differ for men and women.
Our anatomy and biology, and even fluid chemistry (-!), are different. Our sexual organs are the concrete place we draw the line between genders. From a physical perspective, it naturally follows that men and women need to approach their sexual growth journeys slightly differently.
Caveat 2. The practices differ according to our sexual wiring also.
I spoke in this article about erotic blueprints. Essentially, our bodies, not only do they differ from an anatomical perspective between the genders, but even within the same gender, we have different approaches for our bodies due to our dominant form in sexual expression.
First, know your sexual wiring.
If you want to do this sustainably, the way with the best results also, then I strongly encourage you to find out what your sexual wiring is.
You have two options (at the time I’m writing this article). You can either take a free test (the results come with concise descriptions – it is a free test, so it is a good idea not to expect freebies to give you depth). Or you can take a coaching session with yours truly and get an extensive understanding of your dominant blueprint and the rest of them, as well as how you act them out in your personal life.
Secondly, understand the basic sexual practices.
I will point out for each one whether it is suited for a man’s body, a woman’s body, or for both. Keep in mind to take them as information purely. If you have not done them before, you need to get initiated in them and have trained supervision until you understand where your pitfalls are with the practice and how you can avoid unnecessary risks with your body.
1. Sexual Continence – or increasing the time you can hold erotic energy in the genitalia. This practice is mainly for men who ejaculate very fast, it could be a side practice* for men with PE (premature ejaculation), but it might also be relevant for women who orgasm clitorally extremely fast – and would like to prolong the time. This practice is not suited for men with ED (erection disorder).
I would like to point out that this practice has many risks associated, and I would never encourage a man to start doing it without the guidance of an experienced man with this precise practice.
If done improperly, the practice can cause premature ejaculation, erection disorder, or genital pains. It is essential to leave aside pride or shame, and seek the guidance of a man with this.
In the case of men who have premature ejaculation, the first step is definitely to have a medical check with a urologist and make sure that the medical condition is all cleared up. Then, a sex therapist would be in order – if the body functions well, then the root might lie in beliefs, fears, unprocessed issues that cause the person to worry, to stress, to rush. That aspect needs to be dealt with. And only in the third case would I encourage a man with PE to begin taking the physical practice. And only with the guidance of another man who has successfully seen this practice through. I can’t stress this one enough.
2. Vaginal Sensitizing – or brining more sensations into the vagina.
As the name suggests, this is addressed to women only, or people with vaginas (in case you do not sexually identify with the feminine gender).
It is no mystery that not so many women orgasm vaginally. There are many possible explanations to this fact, but mainly it all goes down to one thing: what does the woman herself want? If she doesn’t mind where she orgasms through, and please refer to this article for a detailed presentation on several known types of orgasm, then there is no need for her to subject herself to any practice.
If, on the other hand, she does care, then the vagina can be sensitized through sustained vaginal touch as well as through toning the vagina. According to a study that goes as far back as the 70s, women with toned vaginal muscles are likely to experience vaginal orgasms. You can read about this in the 2009 book The Orgasm Answer Guide by Barry R. Komisaruk, Beverly Whipple, Sara Nasserzadeh, and Carlos Beyer-Flores.
For the touch, women can choose from an array of practices: from the penetrative sex with their lovers, to proper use of sex equipment ranging from vaginal balls, Ben Wa balls, dildos and vibrators (a.k.a.: accessories), to vaginal strengthening tools such as vaginal toning gadgets or the traditional jade egg practice. The latter is still under debate in modern science as not enough research has been done up to the present day.
Regardless of the options a woman goes for, I will strongly advise here as well that she use a trained guide. Any type of genital practice, if done improperly, can lead to discomfort or potential injuries. The first one is improper training.
Since the vagina is a muscle, it bears to keep in mind that like any other muscle in the body, it too needs warm-up, exercise according to its level of “fitness,” cool down, massage, and other tension relief methods, as well as recovery. Muscles, no matter where they are in the body, need to be given the same regimen. Any imbalance can lead to injuries, tension, rigidity, pain during penetration, etc. Lack of proper hygiene (remember that any equipment used in any area of our lives needs proper sanitizing) might lead to potential health issues.
As with anything else, we need common sense and trained guidance.
3. Breathwork – or using various types of breath to bring not only more oxygen in the body but also help it sustain the physical activity of sex.
Athletes know this better than all of us: proper breathing helps improve physical performance and also helps the body sustain a proper form. Sex is a physical activity. Even if it’s not a classical fitness workout, it is a workout. The better your physical condition, the better you enjoy your intimacy. Breath is a type of exercise—one that helps us regulate our body during sex.
Breathwork is quite uncomfortable for most people. And, for many women, breath during sex, breathwork is an extreme opposite of how they relate to their breath – especially in sex.
This is due to shame – many women feel that if they allowed themselves to breathe in sex according to the intensity, they would sound like cows in heat. Sadly, diminishing the breath diminishes the intensity in the body.
People who hardly breathe in sex cannot experience too much pleasure. They shut down one of the main tools the body has to amp up the intensity.
Breathwork, done outside of sexual encounters, helps anyone connect to their breath and increase the charge they can carry in their bodies. I have addressed this in my sex dojo for women. And I have regular practices for the erotic voice.
4. Erotic Voice – or the practice of making sounds and uttering words.
This is another big one that is ignored by many people.
The way erotic tension is build up and circulates through the body is essentially through breath, sound, movement, and awareness. If we shut down one ore more of these, then failure or disappointment is definitely in store for us.
As with breath, using our voice in sex is another big issue. Sounds are shameful, repelling, giving one away, and so on. This is all due to a great deal of shame and judgment around sex. Most of us are silenced in sex unless we had an exceptional upbringing around this topic.
Doing regular vocal practices, again outside of actual sex encounters, helps one train the erotic voice and have greater ease in expressing vocally. I have addressed this in my sexDOJO programs, and I have regular practices for women to get accustomed to using their voices.
Great sex does mean communication and vocal expression too, so this one does not need
5. Sexual or Erotic Presence – also known as mindfulness, the ability to focus on the encounter itself, the body, and the other person.
This is probably the most important. We need to be present with our bodies, our sensations, the interaction, our lover, and what we feel. Sadly, because we have monkey minds that continuously need something to do, thanks to our present-day culture, we are unable to steer away from them enough to enjoy our sexual intimacy.
The biggest pitfall: we are so concerned with what we do, how we do, what should happen in those moments, that we miss out on the peak sometimes. We miss the moment because we’re too much in our heads.
This is why sensual meditations are our solutions here. If we manage not to judge them or peg them for ridiculous, silly, good for nothing, then we have the most significant tool at our disposal: training our focus and attention to stay our bodies when we want them to be. Where we need them to be during sex.
This practice is inherently accessible to anyone; suffice it for us to have the discipline to take this time daily for such a practice. I have a couple of guided focusing materials on my YouTube channel, and I have more of such tools in the sex dojo for women.
Last but not least, remember you’re human!
We need to put aside the perfectionist approach and the unreasonable expectation that we always perform perfectly. That does not exist in the human race.
We need to own our lows, failures, and blunders. We need to accept ourselves and our lovers with qualities, gifts, and imperfections alike.
In the sexDOJO™ for women, I offer support and hold space. Women work on their pleasure, do practices, and take care of their sexual wiring. Together with me, women build and embody their vision for their sex life.