Visual by Anyuta Rai
This article was the hardest to write. It is the hardest topic of all, as our mainstream approach focuses on technique, secrets, positions, but so few people are aware that we need to exercise our sexual expression.
It is less comfortable for us actually to work for our sexuality. We work for so many things: a stable source of income, fitness goals, nutritional goals (some of us), health, relationships, socializing & networking, traveling, social media influencing, etc.
So, who wants to hear about sexual workouts, right?!
Well, I have not seen one thing in life that is sustained in the long run without consistent focus and energy from us. The same goes for our sexual expression. However, there are a few particularities compared to other areas of life.
#1. Discipline doesn’t mean the same thing in sexuality.
We can’t engage in any sexual practice if we genuinely don’t feel like it. There are boundaries to accept here, and the most important one is: “Do I truly feel like doing anything for my sexual expression?”
In jogging, fitness, aerobics, yoga, taichi, or many other relatively accessible or masses-compatible physical engagement practices, we can engage even if we don’t feel like it. I have not included extreme sports here. But in sex, the risk is that we might learn, in time, to engage in things we do not wish to do. And that approach would make us susceptible to abuse, consistent boundary-crossing, a faulty mentality in intimacy, or even shutting down.
In sex, it does matter what we feel like doing. And it does matter to skip a day or more if our bodies genuinely do want this.
Sexual intimacy is the area where you do not want to play with the traditional personal growth mindset. Not unless you want to sow trouble in the long run.
That is why many people use the notion” blisscipline,” which is a word game that contains the idea that you need to follow your bliss, your pleasure, your ecstasy. If one day, you don’t feel sexual or “in the mood” at all, it’s crucial that respect your bodily sensations and emotional states.
#2. Perseverance is the key
In terms of opening up the body to feel new or more intense sensations (in terms of somatic sexuality coaching, this is known as a “somatic opening”), you need to repeat practices over time. Any drastic or sudden change in the body means there was something pushed, forced, exaggerated, inflated, etc. And it was not organically or naturally accrued or sensitized.
The same principle applies in nature, health, fitness, or anything related to the physical manifestation of the natural world.
It takes time for nature to grow something healthy, whereas it takes a disruptive or destructive effort to change something in a short time.
It’s the same in fitness or health: it takes time to improve, grow a capacity, solve an issue, whereas it takes little time in most cases to alter, deteriorate, cause accidents & injuries, etc.
If anyone expects, or promises, overnight results, they are either misguided or misleading. Sexual growth takes time.
#3. Boundaries & Awareness are vital
Sexuality is extremely vulnerable and sensitive—from the physical to the emotional. As such, whenever we do anything in sexuality, it is ideal to have these two pillars in our sight: boundaries and awareness.
Boundaries are an entire topic of discussion, and the most complex material that I know of is The Wheel of Consent done by Betty Martin—among others, a fellow Certified Sexological Bodyworker™.
Boundaries range from the physical to the emotional or mental. Set one wrong step, and you create imbalance and potential trouble in any interaction, experience, and outcome. Entire relationships may be imbalanced when this type of education and awareness is not accessed.
In terms of sexual practices, it’s crucial to have a sound idea of where we stand with our bodily sensations, capacities, and (internal) resources for growth.
Awareness is the capacity to be present with ourselves in any given experience and assess when we are walking a path we can sustain, and when not. In practice, the extremely concrete and palpable awareness capacity is to sense whenever something isn’t right or is potentially harmful and cease right then and there.
Sexual growth, and exercising aspects related to our sexuality (such as sounding and vocal expression, pelvic floor muscles, genital sensitivity, breath patterns, sensation play, awareness & connection, etc.) require a healthy foundation and a higher level of presence. This way, we ensure that all the obstacles we are working with (lack of sensations, low libido, psycho-emotional blockages, etc.) are gradually improved and our desires or goals attained.
In the sexDOJO™ for women, I offer support and hold space. Women work on their pleasure, do practices, and take care of their sexual wiring. Together with me, women build and embody their vision for their sex life.