What if a woman cries during an intimate moment about something unrelated? What should be done?
This is a question a man asked me a few months ago. I have his permission to publicly share what I replied to him privately at the time.
First, I told him that this sometimes happens in coaching too. Even though I work with women on sexual intimacy, there are moments when women release emotions tied to something completely different. That is, things unrelated to our work and to my area of expertise.
So, what should be done in those situations? Here’s my perspective. Please keep in mind it’s just my own—not a universally valid one.
We are all human
First, in my opinion, it’s important to remember that we are all human. Emotions can hit us at any time. Perhaps the only thing we can do in such moments is help the person release emotions fully. If emotions begin coming out, it’s important to let them fully release.
If you’re in an intimate setting, and your partner (in this discussion, a woman) begins to cry, the context likely allows you to do this through a hug, a gentle touch, or supportive words. If she refuses any of these, a tissue and a glass of water can work wonders.
Then, since the “intimate” moment has shifted toward something else entirely, I recommend being very mindful about whether you can realistically return to the previous atmosphere. I say this because, when a woman begins to release emotions (whether about work, parents, children, or anything other than intimacy), it’s likely clear that any trace of arousal has disappeared. Trying to bring her back to something sexual at that point might feel forced, manipulative, or even desperate—yes, unfortunately, there’s a risk you might come off as desperate.
Instead, focus on emotional intimacy: talk to her, hold her, caress her, play music she likes, order food or drinks she enjoys but are also good for her. Or do anything else you know would provide emotional support. It may be disappointing for you in those moments, since you clearly wanted something else. However, in my opinion, honoring the emotions she has surfaced and not pressing for something sexual will benefit you in the long term.
When It Happens in Coaching
In my coaching sessions (focused on sexuality), if this happens, I no longer bring up any sexuality or intimacy goals. There’s no space for such discussions. Out of such powerful emotions (the kind that lead to tears!), no woman is in a state to work on goals. Simply put, it’s not the time.
In coaching sessions when this occurs, at most, I observe what their body is doing (I often call those bodily “tics”) and try to guide a short relaxation practice. I use a technique from somatic therapy: you watch the body’s movements and invite the person to do them slower and slower. This approach often seems strange, but if the person follows the guidance, it eventually helps with releasing emotions.
Initially (in my first years of coaching), I would simply listen and help them release their emotions without saying anything else about coaching. I would communicate in the next session that their issue came from another area of their lives. An area outside my expertise and unrelated to our sexuality coaching sessions. Meaning she needed something else (most often therapy).
In general, when a woman cries in sessions, I do not discuss “intimate” techniques or communication. And I do not address, in sexual intimacy coaching sessions, issues like her relationship with her parents, her children, work stress, health problems, etc. All I can do then is help her calm down when emotions run high about something outside the realm of sexual intimacy. I also remind her that living a lifestyle where they regularly release painful emotions, stress, or tension helps them be more present in their sexual intimacy as well.
But I’ve also made a change: I’ve made it a point to say at the end of such sessions that their problem is of a different nature. Calmly, I state what is evident. It’s an added disappointment at that point, on top of going through heavy, unresolved emotions in our session. However, not saying it in that very session, albeit at the end, began to affect my reputation as well. We ended up working on something else than what they came to me for, instead of sexuality or intimacy objectives. So I explain to them they are not yet ready to work on those topics, since they have unresolved issues from other areas of their lives. It’s a bit tough to swallow, but I’ve learned that being too protective of their emotional state was seen as me being unworthy of my work.
The Core of the Issue
Yes, very often women’s “intimate” blocks are related to their lifestyle. And most often, their “intimate” problem is that they cannot stay in the present moment, connected to pleasure and arousal. They’re too weighed down by other emotions they haven’t released at the right time. So, they end up releasing them during “intimacy.” This frequently happens to those who don’t process their heavy emotions: at the first opportunity for relaxation, tensions surface to be released. And in those moments, the person can no longer feel sexual arousal. That’s the mechanism of our nervous system. It’s natural and understandable.
Men often find it easier to set aside such issues during “intimate” moments. Maybe they haven’t released them beforehand, but they can still put them aside for the time being when it comes to being “intimate.” For many women, this setting aside isn’t possible. Nor do they regularly process their emotions on their own. Why doesn’t this happen? Perhaps they lack the availability for such self-regulation, the capacity to do so, or the education in managing their emotions and regulating their nervous system.
So, What Can You Do?
If the tears come before you’ve been “intimate,” help her calm down. And in the long term, remember (and gently remind her too) that you can’t be her therapist or coach. In an intimate relationship, no coach or therapist does this with their partner either. A problematic or overloaded lifestyle, and a person who doesn’t regulate their own emotions (at least enough to be present with their body and pleasure), isn’t something anyone else can solve for them. Unfortunately, you can’t do this for the other person in the long term. But you can—and must—do it for yourself. Every adult has this responsibility. After all, it’s part of what it means to be an adult.
If the crying comes after you’ve been “intimate,” it’s crucial to immediately clarify if she’s crying because something from those moments wasn’t okay for her, or if she’s simply releasing emotions. If something negative, painful, or unfit occurred during those moments, discuss it with her and gather all the details she can provide. If necessary, see a psychologist, doctor, or another specialist who can help in that case as soon as possible. Don’t leave such things unaddressed. If she tells you she’s just releasing emotions, stress, tension, etc., then simply support her (as much as you can) in releasing those emotions fully.
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