A month ago, I had completed a coaching process with a one-of-a-kind woman. She had come to me while being in a relationship. Although she was attracted to her man, although the attraction was mutual, she did not feel at all in her own waters – this is a Romanian expression.
She was grieving the fact she couldn’t feel almost any pleasure. And she wanted to feel that with him. And it hurt her that even though she had his understanding and his support, she still could not open-up and relax. She felt something was missing. She couldn’t understand what.
“I cannot enjoy! I’m stricken when I want to be available to him and sometimes I just do not feel like doing anything. Not that I never feel like that, but I often feel hastened & grabbed when he approaches me. I feel there’s just oo much without being asked or waited a bit. Without any form of wanting in that moment. Why don’t I want to? Why can’t I? Why don’t I feel? ”
We initially started with the idea of exploring all the physical practices that a woman can go through in my coaching process. And there are some practices worthy to put on a list of exploring for any woman. She wanted to try everything out and engage in the entire process. I was delighted to see her courage and desire to transform something vital to her own life. And I was determined to do everything I could to help her express everything she had inside.
During the first sessions I have some calibration practices. Simple, seemingly innocent and completely non-erotic practices. Bodywork is much more complex than she initially expected. And those foundations should be tried by everyone. From those exercises we both saw how her relaxation & pleasure was intertwined with instincts of defense & struggle.
It was one of the most difficult moments to see her shadowed erotic blueprint – without even going to deep in the practices. I realized that no matter how able she was to carry out the practices I could facilitate for her, she needed something else. Not a brave exploration, but a conscious connection to self. She needed genuine and real peace within her body.
Why did she not have? In her interactions many things had not been respected, a lot of her vital boundaries had been broken. In time she had come to a closing down of her own body.
So from our initially courageous intention, I consciously put my foot on the brakes and told her we were going with small steps. And gentle ones. I invited her to do the practices that required her conscious & maximum presence in her own body.
It seems something minor, but when you come to such a presence in your body and with your own sexual energy … it is one of the toughest and most powerful things I’ve ever seen in all the groups I’ve been in.
Not everyone has the real patience to sit there with themselves in their darkest and heaviest waters. Moment by moment. With every sensation and every state in their body. She did that. Until she slowly and sometimes with difficulty saw how her condition transformed. She saw, felt and expressed that transformation step by step. Usually we search for intensity, pleasure, haste and explosion. We all want our light, few of us sit with our shadow. Our shadow is slow and it needs our intense presence.
From one week to another, she followed her body intuition. She set her own working pace. This way she cast one layer of tension after another.
She cried. There were moments when she did not want to be hugged. There were moments when she came on her own for a hug. To cry. To get comfort in letting go of what had been bottled for so long inside. But perhaps most importantly, she learned to recognize the imprint of the fighting instinct in her own body. When it was triggered. How it felt physically. And how she could express it. How she could what she needed. She learned how that instinct could transform without there having to be a fight. Not with herself, nor with her lover.
Relaxation eventually became just relaxation.
The pleasure to be present in her body in the end was freed.
She burned the fighting and defensive instincts in her body.
At the end of our coaching, we both recognized that we had worked something completely different from what we had originally intended. But I confessed one thing to her: if we had done all sorts of fun games and touches, without first working with the defensive and wounded mechanism imprinted in her… we would have been painting a magnificent glitter on a shady wall. And at the first test that wall would still have broken down. And she would have not known how to pick herself up. And she probably would have risked loosing an important relationship for her.
Now it’s all a joy. When we meet. When we greet. When we work beautiful feminine practices.
When you take things in the right order, what comes out of you is incredibly beautiful.
This post has her consent. We both hope her story will help other women, in any way possible.
Last year, a recently married man came to me with the desire to work, structured and applied, in order to learn to „hold space” his wife. He was extremely in love with his wife (still is to this day) and he wanted their intimacy to be as great as the rest of their relationship.
More specifically, he wanted his wife to be more adventurous, carefree and courageous in all their moments. And he wanted to do anything in his power to make that happen.
He had attended a group event of mine and heard me talking about the concept of „holding space”, but the concept was not clear to him. He didn’t know what that meant more exactly. So he decided to learn all about that „skill”.
From our conversation he admitted being angry at his wife for not being all those things in their intimacy. He often saw her detained. In time he had grown fixated on time making her more open and more passionate in each of their intimate moments. But that wasn’t happening. He thus became more upset with the intimate aspect of their relationship. And he felt his wife often avoiding his attempts to approach her.
My first request to him: during the 6 weeks we would work together, forget about any upset, tension or pressure on his wife. In other words, give her peace and accept anything that would happen (or not) between them during that time. Instead, I invited him to take his energy and attention to the work he would go through during the coaching process.
Weekly, I brought up a series of practices that I use mostly when working with women. I told him that it made sense to understand what women needed in their intimacy. It made sense for him to enter a woman’s perspective. Otherwise there was no way he could „hold space” for his wife.
The surprise was that he liked everything he did; the exercises had revealed aspects from his inner self – some he had suspected, but hadn’t paid them too much attention.
He was so determined that he came once while he was having a cold; in the middle of the session when I asked him how he felt: “Cold? What cold?”
He had forgotten about his sinuses, his headache and his „runny nose”:-)
What did we work on? Understanding physical pleasure – long before the sexual pleasure, presence in his body with physical pleasure, communication with his body in pleasure and in lack of it, expression in words (one of the major barriers for women) of sensations & inner states. I invited him to focus on his entire body as part of his whole being.
Week by week, based on his learning intent (without his intent it would all have been pointless work), I facilitated things that women need to relax and open physically – not just in intimacy. So I aimed for him to understand a woman’s overall relaxation & openness.
And, week-by-week, he took the practice and used it with his wife, except he used it at the maximum level. Every week he watched like a hawk for the proper context or time to use any of the tools from our sessions. And he chose the most harmless ways to put them into practice. I admitted to him that he had been more subtle and skillful than a woman in these endeavors.
Gradually, he saw how from his habit of initiating intimacy, he had become the one approached. But not without complex discussions that clarified where his wife’s reticence came from. Not without the moments when he had to give-up halfway, although initially the context was looking bright, when something felt wrong all of a sudden.
It was not easy for him. Yet, it helped him to have a framework in which he could allow his wife patience of transform in her own rhythm – whatever that rhythm was. Uncertainty was not easy to take. Allowing his wife the space to choose for herself, whatever she chose, was the hardest look to take.
Gradually, to his joy (and mine in this case) he noticed how from restraint in physical expression, his wife relaxed and received more easily the new proposals. But nothing came to him overnight, that’s clear.
Holding space is an extremely soft skill that few of us develop consciously and intentionally. This man wanted to do that. The merit was and remains his for sure. I told him personally that he was the most motivated, determined and cunning man client who came to me until that time. Not that other men can’t be like that (to the contrary, we have many capable and ingenious men around us). He just had a piece of information, he was set on using it and he was also open to receiving guidance.
This is published with his consent. We both hope this story inspires other men. If they feel they have something to take from this story 🙂
3 secrets to vibrant sexuality
Periodically I send resources on sexual development (videos, links, events, polls)
„I’ve been reading your posts and I relate to many of them. May I ask for a piece of advice?
I’ve been married for over five years to a beautiful woman I’m in love with.
Our sex life was amazing until she became pregnant. After that, her libido dropped and unfortunately it remained like that for the rest of our marriage.
I understand women change once they give birth. Raising children takes a lot of energy and obviously the man & the intimate relationship take second place.
But our children are growing and nothing seems to change. We rarely kiss, we rarely caress, we rarely have foreplay, she rarely allows me to lick her…
If I say something she tells me everything is okay, she feels fulfilled and I’m the one exaggerating cause I’m always in the „mood”.
We went to a psychologist, I’ve tried to introduce her to books on intimacy, I work out and I keep a young body… yet I’ve gathered hundreds of nights of frustration and I don’t know what to do anymore.
Could you give me any advice on how to make my wife find her sexual side once again?”
Unfortunately my coaching doesn’t make our partners change into something we would want them to. As long as they don’t feel there’s a need for that, they simply will not change.
The only thing I can do is help people discover more about their bodies and their sexuality, help them hold space for themselves and for their partners and help them overcome any sexual blockages they perceive. But only when they choose to do this work. It’s based only on personal volition.
As much as our partners can’t change our perspective, neither can we change theirs.
We do have a chance to inspire them while we make a transformation for ourselves.
No need to cheat, no need to break-up. Just work with ourselves for a while and shift our disposition and approach on our unsatisfied sex lives.
This is the most challenging thing to do in fact.
The risk? Our partners may not change in spite of that.
The reward: we’ll be better lovers no matter what may happen in our relationships.
This story is based on a recent Instagram discussion with someone in my community. It has his approval for publishing.
We hope this serves as inspiration for anyone out there who’s ever been told by their lovers that their relationship needed a change.
I found out about Liana Buzea through her environmental social work. Later on I was going to find out that she had a specialisation very little known in Romania: sexological bodyworker.
I knew at the time that there was the concept of erotic intelligence and that this can be explored and cultivated in the setting of various courses, but I was skeptikal, especially because in our region things can derail easily into sordid aspects when it comes to sexuality.
Liana has nothing from the look of a femme fatale to give advice in matters of sex, on the contrary she is a trained woman, cultivated, with an elevated language, as she turned out to be through her writing. I invited her to join the online community of AVANTAJE brand, to present a series of articles regarding the erotic and sexual development. Her articles are an excellent opportunity for introspection, no matter if you are single or in a relationship. And her articles break down many myths regarding sexuality, as we have been taught to approach it or accustomed to treat it. Usually, we go to extremes – too prudish or too trivial. And as the royal way is the middle one, I believe Liana is situated in this fair range of approaching this subject much otherwise too delicate, too taby, too mystified or too exagerated.
Daniela Palade Teodorescu
Redactor Șef – REVISTA AVANTAJE
For me The Erotic Temple came in a period of exploring my own femininity. It was a testing of my limits, to see whether I could talk about intimate things with strangers. The discussion was held in an intimate setting, safe, no rigors or social preconceptions. It was a limit I overpassed without effort, it came naturally, and that gave me confidence in myself and in my feminine power. And Liana is a warm person, close, sensitive, delicate, a beautiful person I wish to keep as a friend.
I chose to participate in the activities proposed by Liana in her online community because through the published materials I came to admire the courage to approach with sensitivity, intelligence and common sense this sensitive topic, assuming implicitly the risk of being blamed by the more obtuse members of society.
The „temples” come to complete with well-documented information our existing baggage of knowledge about desire & love, sex viewed more than just a physical act, recognition of the repertoire of emotions or fantasies that influence our erotic life, acceptance of our own vulnerabilities, the initiation of a real dialogue with our life partner and so on. I then appreciate the emphasis on confidentiality and mutual respect imposed by Liana at the beginning in the seminars, necessary to create the safe space in which participants can gradually and voluntarily remove their social masks.Octavian
I appreciate what you are doing, it is an activity that I saw more through erotic movies in the past (not the pornographic ones) and I wish you success in the future with this work.
As far as sexuality is concerned, I think this is a vast subject where everyone has something to learn, regardless of the experience, provided they are an open minded person (and not just in bed).Cătălin
Through your work you help people get to know themselves better, discover their true selves. It’s not about sex but about personal knowledge. Sex is just a vehicle. You are an open person and your attitude helps greatly to create trust. People can open and feel safe around you. It’s spectacular what you’re doing! Thank you!Roxana
I attended an event moderated by Liana and after I came home I sent a message to a friend telling her to join me at the next one. Liana is a very nice, smiling, warm and sweet, I really enjoyed talking to her about sex, even if we hadn’t ever seen one another before. She made everything look very natural and non-awkward.Ioana
I participated with great curiosity at <Sexual Healing> and I can say that it was exceptional in several aspects:
Liana has the tremendous courage to address this difficult topic for Romanian society (but so important to us all). I admired the courage to expose herself both in demonstrations and in her own right as an organizer of these events, and I very much admire what she does in terms of education and “breakthrough” of the area of sexuality in Romania.
I felt very much in my own element, in the sense that I found myself very much among the participants but also in relation to the organizers, I saw some people who, like me, felt the lack of a healthy approach and assumed sexuality. I think I spent an afternoon in beautiful and courageous people.
Liana and her co-facilitator were of admirable courage and authentic, free and beautiful in their manifestation and naturalness. I thought would be easy to expose myself to nudity and take my nude posture in a sexual context – and this was a courageous lesson. The people who made the demonstration (among them Liana) were so natural, human, beautiful and courageous to expose themselves in their vulnerability and natural element – we closed the event admiring unreservedly and understanding their profound humanity and naturalness in a context that tends to be so socially uptight: sexuality.Emil
Words from collaborators
I lovingly guide a wonderful community of women. Unfortunately, many of them do not love their body enough and hide their sacred sexuality through shame and guilt. Liana is my partner and a friend who helped me open-up many gateways in my community, for healing & self-loving. Her events are all different, prepared with great care and reach those who he feel prepared for this topic. We should all be prepared to receive the most powerful universal energy! Namaste, Liana, in the name of my tribe. Our girls are fully grateful!Andreea Pautov Ioniță
I appreciate Liana’s courage to address a delicate subject from a new, innovative perspective. At the events organized and facilitated by Liana, we overcome the social conditioning on sexuality and we access that level of compassion that allows us to live in harmony & understanding. That’s why the Meditation Center team was glad to host some of her events, and I look forward to work with her in the future. She is a trustworthy collaborator.Magda Blidăruș
Sexual education is very much needed for personal development! In the Activator community, Liana brings information about intimacy and the couple relationship. At the same time, those present discover more about their own experiences and understand better the dynamics of their relationships.
Liana offers qualitative & valuable information. She communicates in a pleasant manner so that it can be of help and easily understood. I’m happy to have the pleasure to work with her!Catrinel Ulea
As though I was looking through the bedroom keyhole, I approached the usually less comfortable topic at a personal level in a very delicate location but Liana did so until the end of meeting to open up out loud. I returned home with a different mindset, a more proactive one.
I think sex is an important part of our lives and labeling it with “taboo subject” seriously damages our wellbeing. Liana has helped me understand that sexual capping can have a negative impact not only on the couple’s relationship (especially in a long-term relationship), but also on the other aspects of life.Daria